Subtle Shift in Emphasis

Gus

Are You Gus?

This assessment has been in continuous operation since 1994. It has been completed on a Casio scientific calculator, a Palm Pilot, two different Nokias, a number of websites, and now this one. In all that time, it has reached the same conclusion. You are encouraged to approach it with an open mind, though the Office of Gus Determination notes that an open mind is itself consistent with Gus.

The assessment is mandatory. It is also, technically, voluntary. These two facts have been reconciled by the Office and the matter is considered closed.

Please note that this page has a tab in the navigation bar. You came here. The Office considers this significant.

Noted

You have indicated a preference not to begin.

The Office of Gus Determination thanks you for this information. Preferring not to do things whilst nevertheless doing them is one of the more reliable indicators in the entire assessment. You have, in effect, already begun.

Understood

The Office accepts that you do not want to do this.

It notes, however, that you are still here. You have now clicked twice. Twice. The Office has seen many things over the years, but a person who genuinely did not want to complete this assessment would have closed the tab by now. You have not closed the tab.

The tab is still open.

The Office notes that “Oh, all right” is the most Gus thing it is possible to say. This has been recorded.

Question 1 of several

Is your name Gus?

All three options are available to you. The Office makes no recommendation, but is watching.

Complicated

You have indicated that your name situation is complicated.

The Office invites you to explain, in the space provided below.

[There is no space provided below.]

This is intentional. The Office has found that people with complicated name situations always manage to explain them anyway, in the margins, at length, usually in a way that confirms they are Gus.

The Office notes that selecting “nuanced” suggests the kind of person who writes “nuanced” when “no” would have done.

Question 4

Is there an object in your home — a mug, perhaps, or an embroidered item, or a small wooden thing with your name on it — that has been there so long it has effectively become part of the infrastructure?

There is no option for “No”. The Office omitted it deliberately and does not regret this.

Question 6

Do you feel, in general, that forms do not adequately capture you?

Not just name forms. All forms. The dropdown that does not contain your situation. The checkbox that almost applies. The “Other” field that is fourteen characters wide when you need at least forty.

Selecting “I’ve never really thought about it” while completing a form about whether you are Gus is itself a form of not thinking about it. The Office finds this very on-brand.

Question 7

Has anyone ever, in the course of addressing a room, said something like “Gus, could you—” and you looked up before they finished the sentence, and then they were looking at someone else entirely?

There are two of you

The Office was not expecting this.

In thirty years of operation, the possibility of two Guses in one room has been noted as a theoretical scenario but never, until now, encountered in a live assessment. The Office needs a moment.

…

Right. The Office has consulted its records. There is no protocol for this. The assessment was designed for one Gus. It will, however, continue.

Disputing the characterisation of “secondary Gus” is, the Office notes, extremely Gus.

Question 8

Be honest.

Are you still doing this because you want to see what happens at the end?

Epistemological difficulty noted

You have indicated that you are uncertain whether you can be honest about your own motivations for continuing this assessment.

The Office of Gus Determination notes that this kind of self-questioning, whilst intellectually admirable, is also the sort of thing that takes up a lot of time at dinner parties and is, in the Office’s experience, definitionally Gus.

The Suspicion Sub-Department would like a word

You have indicated that you have reasons other than curiosity for continuing this assessment.

The Suspicion Sub-Department, which operates out of a small room on the third floor and is staffed entirely by a man named Gerald who has been there since 1998, would like to know what those reasons are.

Gerald is writing something down. He has not looked up.

Gerald has noted all three options as “Gus-adjacent, pending review.” He has still not looked up.

Gerald’s preliminary finding

Gerald has completed his notes.

He has found that your stated reason for continuing, whatever it was, is consistent with the behavioural profile of someone who is curious about the outcome but prefers not to admit it. This is, Gerald notes in his summary, “practically a definition of Gus.”

Gerald has gone for lunch. He left a note saying the assessment may continue.

Question 9

This question concerns queuing.

You are in a queue. It is a reasonable length. You have been waiting what feels like slightly longer than is necessary. The person at the front has a question. It is a complicated question. It may take some time.

What happens inside you?

Question 10

Have you ever received a letter, package, or item of official correspondence addressed to “Mr G. Uss”, “Master Augustus”, “G. Ustave”, or any other variation that suggests someone has looked at your name and done their best?

Question 11

Cast your mind back to a time when someone said your name incorrectly — not badly, not rudely, just incorrectly — and you had to decide, in real time, whether to correct them or let it go.

What did you do?

Question 12

Final question before the assessment proceeds to its intermediate holding phase.

Think of the name Gus.

Now try to think of something else.

Thinking of Gerald is understandable at this stage. Gerald also finds it difficult to stop thinking about Gus. It is part of why he took the job.

Intermediate holding phase

Thank you. Your responses have been logged, collated, and placed in a folder labelled with your name, which has been provisionally entered as Gus.

You are now in the intermediate holding phase. This is not a result. It is a pause before the next section, which concerns the Not Gus Pathway. Even if you said yes to Question 1, you are required to pass through the Not Gus Pathway for administrative completeness.

The Office apologises for any inconvenience. It does not mean this apology.

The Not Gus Pathway

You have reached the Not Gus Pathway.

This section exists for people who answered No to Question 1, but also for people who answered Yes, as a form of institutional thoroughness. The Not Gus Pathway has never, in thirty years, resulted in a confirmed Not Gus outcome. The Office maintains it anyway because removing it would require a committee, and the committee would need to include Gerald, and Gerald is very busy.

Your claim has been noted

The Office notes your claim that you are not Gus.

It also notes that you are on a page called “Gus”, on a website that has a dedicated navigation item for “Gus”, completing a form that asks whether you are Gus. The Office does not wish to be unpleasant about this. It simply observes that the evidence of your general situation is not obviously consistent with someone who is not Gus.

Administrative explanation

You answered Yes to Question 1 and are confused about your presence here.

The Office understands. The Not Gus Pathway is required for all participants, regardless of their initial response, under Standing Order 7, which was introduced in 2003 following an incident that the Office is not able to discuss but which involved someone confidently saying Yes and then, at the final acknowledgement stage, having what the records describe as “a wobble.”

The Office has since required everyone to pass through the Not Gus Pathway. It is a formality. Please continue.

Insistence logged

You have insisted that you are not Gus.

The Office has logged this. It notes, for the record, that insistence is one of the top three most Gus behaviours, the other two being mild but sustained indignation and the phrase “to be fair.”

Have you recently used the phrase “to be fair”?

The Office is unsurprised

To be fair, it always suspected as much.

Gerald is unavailable

Gerald is at lunch.

Gerald is frequently at lunch. The Office has, over the years, raised this with Gerald on several occasions, and each time Gerald has said “to be fair” and then continued to be at lunch at times when lunch is not strictly appropriate.

You may leave a message for Gerald. There is no mechanism by which this can be done. You may continue the assessment instead.

The Office notes that Gerald would want you to continue. Gerald, for all his faults, is very committed to the process.

Deeper checks

The Not Gus Pathway now requires a series of deeper checks. Please confirm the statement that most accurately reflects your position.

All three options are consistent with Gus. The Office wishes to be transparent about this.

Progress

You have been sitting here long enough that you are no longer entirely sure.

The Office of Gus Determination has been waiting for this moment. Not this specific moment — the Office tries not to be presumptuous — but a moment of this type. A moment of not-quite-certainty. A crack in the confidence. A small, honest admission that perhaps the situation is more complex than a simple No would suggest.

The Office would like to say: well done. That took courage. Or something like courage. Something in the region of courage.

The tribunal

Your insistence on not being Gus has been referred to the Gus Appeals Tribunal.

The Tribunal has reviewed the matter. The Tribunal consists of three people: Gerald (Chair, despite being at lunch), a woman from accounts named Sandra who got pulled in six years ago and has never managed to leave, and someone whose name appears in the records only as “The Second Gus” and whose presence on the Tribunal is unexplained.

The Tribunal has reached a verdict.

The verdict

The verdict is: inconclusive, pending further evidence, but leaning.

“Leaning,” in Tribunal terminology, means “the Tribunal thinks you are Gus but does not yet wish to commit to this in writing because Gerald is still at lunch and Sandra feels they should wait for him.”

You are invited to submit additional evidence. There is no mechanism for submitting additional evidence. You may proceed to the final acknowledgement stage instead.

Your additional evidence

The Office has received your additional evidence.

It has not read it yet, as Gerald is still at lunch and he handles the evidence. Sandra has had a look and says it’s interesting but she doesn’t want to step on Gerald’s toes. The Second Gus has not commented. The Second Gus rarely comments.

While the Office awaits Gerald’s return, you are invited to complete Form 12-GUS, which is a supplementary declaration that exists largely because someone commissioned it in 2009 and it seemed a shame not to use it.

Declining Form 12-GUS is, the Office notes, permitted. It is also noted. Everything is noted.

Form 12-GUS: Supplementary Declaration

Please confirm the following statement by selecting your preferred response.

Statement for confirmation: “I am not Gus” is a sentence that could, grammatically and in principle, be said by Gus.

Form 12-GUS: Disagreement logged

You have disagreed with a self-evident grammatical truth.

Gus, a person with a mouth and the capacity for language, could at any moment say “I am not Gus.” He would be wrong, but he could say it. The Office considers this obvious. Sandra considers this obvious. Even The Second Gus, who has been quiet for most of this process, has sent a brief note across the table saying “obviously Gus could say that, what are they on about.”

Your application has been reset. Please return to the Not Gus Pathway.

Please do not resist. Sandra finds resistance exhausting and she has had a long week.

Form 12-GUS: Accepted

Thank you. Form 12-GUS has been completed and filed.

Gerald has returned from lunch. He has been briefed. He has said “right” in a way that is hard to read. He is reading through your file now. There is the occasional sound of a biro clicking.

You may proceed.

The final acknowledgement

You have reached the final acknowledgement stage.

This is not a trick. It is, genuinely, the last step. The Office is aware that after everything you have been through, it is reasonable to be sceptical about this. It acknowledges that it has not always been entirely straightforward. Gerald, Sandra, and The Second Gus are all here now. Gerald has stopped clicking his biro. This is a good sign.

Before the assessment can be formally concluded, one final acknowledgement is required. You must select one of the following. There is no mechanism for skipping this step. Attempting to skip it would be, the Office notes, deeply Gus.

Rejection noted

You have rejected the process.

Gerald has written something down. Sandra has sighed, but not unkindly. The Second Gus has left the room without comment, which is what The Second Gus always does.

The Office notes that rejecting a process whilst having completed the vast majority of it is one of the most human things a person can do. It is also, the Office notes, quite Gus.

You are invited to try again. The Office will be here. It is always here.

Thank you, Gus

Your acknowledgement has been received.

Gerald has signed off your file. Sandra has stamped it, using an actual rubber stamp that she ordered herself in 2011 because she felt the process needed more gravitas. The stamp says GUS in large capital letters and Sandra is very proud of it. The Second Gus looked up briefly when the stamp came out and then looked away again.

Your file has been placed in the cabinet under G. The cabinet has been in the same corner since the Office moved here in 2001 and nobody has ever moved it. It is a good cabinet. It will hold your file well.

You may go now, Gus. The Office wishes you well.

GIA–1 · RESOLVED (GUS) · Office of Gus Determination · Est. 1994

Conditional acceptance

Your consent to being treated as Gus for administrative purposes has been received.

Gerald has added a yellow sticky note to your file that says “GUS (PEND.)” and attached it to the front of the folder with a bulldog clip. This is the standard procedure. Sandra has noted this in the register. The Second Gus has done nothing, which is also standard.

You will be referred to as Gus (Pending) until such time as the amendment is processed. Processing takes three to five business days. It has never taken three to five business days. The current record is eleven years, though that case had extenuating circumstances.

The Office thanks you for your cooperation, Gus (Pending). It has been, on balance, a productive session.

GIA–1 · RESOLVED (GUS, CONDITIONAL) · Office of Gus Determination · Est. 1994